Proceed with caution.....

This post will be offensive to some because of the language, so if you are offended by cuss words, please read no further.  There is also an ulterior motive to this post.  As soon as I started to blog, the Phillies started to rally.  The boy just ordered me back to the computer to keep blogging and said I really should blog about this topic with the rider that I make sure that people know he is big strong Russian, which he truly is.

So here it goes, against my better judgement....

There are a few words in the English language that I never use.  One of those happens to be pussy.  So, it is inexplicable that on two different occaisions, I have called the boy a pussy.  I had a couple of drinks in me and at that moment it came flying out of my mouth.  Thank goodness he is a strong Russian boy with thick skin and high confidence, because calling your exchange student a pussy is pretty reckless.  But to do it twice, is unconscionable, yet we were both falling to pieces about it about 5 minutes ago.

So, the first offense came two weeks ago during our Roktoberfest party.  We had to lift his bed to get the trundle out from underneath.  We were both on our knees, I start lifting the bed and he starts pulling out the trundle, I don't know what happened, but I think he got scared that his fingers would get caught, he pulls away and screams like a little girl.  I respond, "Dude, stop being such a pussy and pull the bed out." He response, " Did you just call me a pussy?", "I am no pussy, I am a big strong Russian/"  I say, "then put those big strong Russian fingers on the trundle and pull the damn thing out!"  Then I can't believe what just flew out of my mouth.  My mother is turning over in her grave right now, and my father is falling to pieces laughing hysterically...I can feel it  :)

Situation #2.  Last weekend his exchange student buddy from Germany came down to hang out and sleep over.  We start talking about Cybil and how long it takes him to shower and get ready for school.  He has stayed in the shower for 40 minutes. At which time I say its because he is a pussy.  SCCREEEECHHH!  Did I just say that again and in front of his friend.  I can understand if I have just lost any respect from any of the readers of this blog now.  I am a horrible host mom for doing this...but thank goodness he thinks this is hilarious enough to post.  We are so lucky to have this kid here......

Who are you and what have you done with my Cybil???

What Have You Done With My Cybil?

We have had a strange phenomenon going on in the house.  Cybil is rising on his own, with only the initial wake up lickies by the doggies.  We send them in, then 10-15 mins later, we hear the shower go on.  More freaky is when he says Good Morning to me when I send the dogs in.  WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Milky Ways

So the week has been one of routine,  but he is finding his sass and the back and forth has begun.  Take for instance Milky Ways.  An American invention, even better frozen...but yummy chocolate and caramelly goodness, amirite?  It comes in a brown wrapper with green lettering.  Probably facts that never really stood out to you.  Apparently in Germany, it is not like this.  They are purple with stars and moons, and galactic type styling.  The only thing I can compare it to is the freak-a-deak buffet at the PepperMill casino in Reno, NV.  It is a mixture of mirrored tables,  black carpet with neon moons, star bursts, milky way galaxies and surrounded by a rain forest with a soundtrack including the occasional thunderstorm, including flashing lightening.  If you are on cocaine, you would not make it out alive...but I digress.  We had to make an emergency chocolate run to the Wawa last night and that is when it started with him and the BWOWN wrapper.  The Russo-German accent really needs to be captured here and it is difficult in print.  But Bwown and Green?  He holds up his hands in complete shock .  How can you eat something in a bwown wrapper?  This brings me to the pool scene in Caddyshack.....but that was a Baby Ruth........noonan.

Wodka

We then move on to a classic Russian topic, Wodka.  Here's a good joke...what is a 7 course meal to an Irishman?  A six pack and a potato.  Its like that with Wodka and Russians.  We are walking out to the car this morning for school and we are on the topic of martinis, James Bond and Wodka.  The boy is allowed to drink in Germany, so it has been quite an adjustment for him here. In particular this week because his buds are all on vacation this week,  apparently twisted every day and FB'ing letting him know it. He actually said he was homesick, which is rare.  Well the comment flies out of his mouth in deep Russian accent,  "Wodka, 100% Russian"   At 7am, I have no comment, but I do have a whole lot of giggle.

Healthy Lifestyle

So for the past week, he has been living a "healthy lifestyle"  I am still trying to figure this out because his healthy lifestyle includes cakes, oreos, pizza, pancakes, etc.  The healthy lifestyle really means that he has stopped drinking soda in lieu of 6 half gallons of Valencia Orange Juice a week.  I think in the movie Trading Places you could buy Orange Juice concentrate crops on the exchange, if only that were the case........

Choking on Volvic


There is a very popular spring water in Europe called Volvic. He has mentioned to me a few times about the Volvic, so I found it today at the market.  He screamed like a little girl when he saw it on the counter, hugged it and then asked if he could have some.  He is drinking his bottle of Volvic, starts to choke and says there is something wrong with American Volvic, it makes him choke.  No, darling, when you drink it like a drain, it could induce a level of choking.


Football


OK...so sappy host mom comments coming....  The boy had his JV game on Monday.  He got in to play!  My girlfriend and I were there at 3:30 in the afternoon to hope he was put in.  Remember, 8 weeks ago this kid thought the receiver was the QB.  Well, in the 4th quarter, he was put in!!!  We ran down the stands with a Flip video and my camera and he did really, really well. He went in as an offensive Right Tackle!!!! My eyes welled up and I almost cried I was so proud.  The best part was his team cheering him on and not one of them could pronounce his name.  It was priceless.......

In house texting, I got Skillz, The All-Nighter and Aunt Jemima is the clear winner

The Coolness of Texting "In-House"

After the pancake debacle and football practice he went up to Skype with his dad back in Germany.  I took up his dinner so he could eat and catch up with his pops.  This is about 6:15, and he has a research paper due the next day, 4-5 pages long.  He is quite stressed about it because the dog had kept him in bed until 10:30 that morning.  The boy has never had to write a research paper, let alone in MLA style.  fail.

It is now 7:30, he is still upstairs chatting with his dad, and I know this has disaster written all over it. I text him, suggesting that maybe NOW would be a good time to start that pesky research paper.  I get texted back, " Yes, ill be down in a second....its so cool to text you knowing you are downstairs :D" 

Mad Skillz For the Host Mom

I had a bunch of work work I had to finish last night at home.  I was working on a Powerpoint presentation and he came around to see what I was doing.  It has some bells and whistles, but usable ones, not WordArt or crap like that.  He says, "Wow, that's cool, you have some usable skills. My dad doesn't even know what powerpoint is."  His parents and I are the same age, they are doctors, but I have mad skillz cuz I can powerpoint....BOOYAH!

The Paper Begins

In a past life, I had to complete a Master's thesis, so helping a Russian kid write a research paper should be a piece of cake, right?  Eh, no.  When you write a thesis, part of the skill set does not including catching gnats.  I get his structure set up and tell him to have at it.  We mindmap out his concepts and he has his organization ready to go. It is 10:30 by this point, I am whooped so I tell him to text me upstairs if he needs help.  He never texts, but I am up most of the night listening for him anyway.......

Pancakes

So, he was up til 3:40am writing this paper and he looks like death.  He is exhausted, but the kid got it done, and he did a really amazing job for never writing a research paper .  I had been up at 5 to proofread, but I had yet to eat breakfast and we needed to run out the door.  I stole part of his Bisquick pancake.  I had never actually eaten any of the 346 pancakes I have made him over the past 7 weeks.  Bisquick sucks.  I ask him which he prefers and he said definitely Aunt JAMIMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAA.  So, we are going back to the red box.  He said that during the night a few times he was going to text me that he had given up on life and this paper. He also said he bounced back nicely when he had some oreos and pop tarts, that he actually toasted the pop-tarts.   NICE......the gnat perservered and wrote an exceptional paper.  I just got a text from him now that says, "Im so tired......"  I wrote back, "I have no doubt, you will survive, you are strong like big Russian Ox."

Tonight = Sleep

The Great Pancake Massacre & The Conspirator Dog

17 year old Russians Boys and Their Pancakes.....

If you read the previous blog post, then this one will make perfect sense.  As earlier stated, the boy was being adventurous on his day off and texted me for pancake making directions.  Until this day, I had NO IDEA there could be such a thing as Pancake carnage.  Well, I am here to tell ya...there is.  The boy was at football practice,  when I came home to witness the aftermath of the event and try to piece together what led up to the disaster.

There were strange, unidentifiable liquids on the griddle.  Clear liquids.  Where do you get clear liquids in pancakes?  There were shards of something that resembled pancakes all over the griddle as well. The best part was that the griddle was still dirty and on the cooktop.  Along with an empty bag of Oreos on the coffee table.  Must be the markings of a 17 year old boy.

The Conspirator Pit Bull

As I am feeding the boy dinner after his football practice, he says to me, "Oh that Ralphie".  Ralphie is our 65lb lap dog who happens to be a Pit Bull.  He is very simple. So, he is part of our lick 'em to get 'em up wake  up routine.  We sent him in right before we left for work, at Cybil's request.  Yes, you read correctly, he asked to be waken up that early.  He has a ton of study and homework to catch up on since his run in with the fuzz in Buffalo.  In his own words, "He came in, licked my face and then wanted to get under....what are they called?"  "Blankets, I answered."  "Yeah, blankets, those things, then he made me go back to sleep."  I was petting him, then it was 10:30 and I needed pancakes."

Friday Freedom, No Pillows, Buffalo Cops and Pancakes on his own.....

Road Trip!

This past weekend offered a short respite from the duties of hosting our guy.   We had to have Cybil up and out the door by 6:30 am, oops...make that 7:00 am to get him on the bus to Buffalo, New York for a 4 day romp through upstate New York and Niagra falls.  I had made a mistake thinking the busses left at 7.  Cybil could have slept an extra 30 minutes.

We load the kids on, wave goodbye and I head off to work.  I get home on Friday night and have NOTHING I need to do.  I can eat cold pizza, drink adult beverages, not cook, not go to a football game or pickup from practice.  I was feeling empty nest syndrome now that the boy was away for 10 hours.  WHAT?  I was a bit out of sorts at first...but got back into my groove quickly, then around 9:30pm.....

I get my first text, "Me and Sarah skipped the dance and we are walking all over town."  I am assuming the town of Buffalo? Then at 11:33pm I get my second text from the boy, "Oh my gosh, you are not going to believe what happened".  I was asleep and got it at 5:33am the next morning.  After that, no more texts.  Thinking back to when I was 17 and what I would get into....I could only imagine.  As I have said before, this kid is not my kid, but there are many genetic similarities.......outside of his height, blond hair, russian descent...the likenesses are endless.

Saturday, nothing explaining what happened, in fact just a question on how the Phightin Phillies were doing.  OK, so he didn't get arrested and end up on the cookie sheet............or did he????  I was to find out on Monday night.....

Consolidating Down To One Bedroom

During his time away, I broke down and moved the OTHER guest room mattress into his bedroom to control the trail from room to room.  He is now securely in one room again, happy with a double bed and all the space he has. I really wish I could post a picture of the contortionist I open the door to every morning.  He doesn't use pillows, he sleeps on his arms, all diaganol, twisty like on the bed.......

The Truth Comes Out.......

Of the many events they had planned for the 200 plus exchange students during the weekend, our guy positioned himself as a sort of a leader of his group and even commandeered the TV to watch some of the Phillies game.....in BUFFALO...see, genetically, identical.  He tells me of standing directly under a part of the falls getting soaked to the bone, going shopping at the mall, and oh, yeah, getting picked up by the Buffalo Cops on Friday night for loitering.  At this point I am plugging my eyeballs back into their sockets.   It was the boy, this Sarah and a Hungarian.  They were supposed to be at the dance, instead they were walking around beautiful downtown Buffalo for 4 hours doing things teenagers do, or at least I did, AND getting escorted back to the dance by the fuzz.  Saturday night he thought it would be a great idea whilst everyone was sleeping to sneak out of the house searching for the house of Sarah.  He claims he has a sense of direction.....2 hours later he still had not found the house but managed to get back to his place of sleep.  OH MY........

Returning Back To Normal.....

The seniors at our High School had off today to visit colleges, but have to be done by 2:30 for football practice.....hmmmm..... Did we have a full day off to visit colleges when we were seniors?  I don't quite recall that.  So I get a text a few minutes ago, "Can u explain me how to make those pancake stuff?".  Love this kid!  Of course I will explain to make pancake stuff!  I send him 1-10 directions, each short, to the point.  I then get a call.  I can not find the stuff.  "Its in the cabinet next to the coat closet" I say.  "In with the dog food he says?"  "No, in cabinet next to coat closet with dog food".  "Shouldn't it say Aunt Jamama?"  "No,  I answer, "we are using Bisquick this week, and it's Aunt Jemima, long i.  He then tells me that he can start fires but not to worry, he will get dogs out and he knows how to drive cars so they will all be safe if the house burns down.  Its been about 45 mins, and I just received the text, "Yap, pretty bad, not even yours burned bad, I got complete neighborhood :p, but I saved all the dogs and cats :D  He is a superhero.

The Stinkeye, Packing For Niagra and Fireplaces

The Stinkeye

Yesterday reached epic proportinos of trying to rouse the child out of bed and into the shower.  As he slinked down the hallway, I cheered him on saying "Cybil, You Can Do It!!!!"  If looks could kill I would be dead.  That boy done give me THE STINKEYE.  Not just any stinkeye, but the Russian Stinkeye.

I get downstairs to make his breakfast and I am out of chocolate chips and blueberries.  I make the executive decision to give the boy French Toast.  He comes down the stairs like they are the marshmallow ones from Nightmare on Elm Street.  The boy was not moving at a swift pace, he was cranky and VERY LATE.  We get to school with a few minutes to spare and we get yelled at by a teacher as I pull into a spot to drop the boy off.  All of these other parents are leaving their kids in the street, and I pull into a lot and a space to be safe and I get the lashing from the teacher.  I am supposed to drop him off down the street at the township building.  WHAT?  There is not one car there dropping kids off.  I am thinking I am now going to have to drive da hubs' hoopty to be incognito to get the boy into school  OR.....I could make him take the bus!  He would have to be down the end of our street by 7am, it ain't never gonna happen.  I really have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow, but I have a feeling it might be action filled with my own 17yr old angst and fighting the machine when I was his age.  Fight The Power!  What is that teacher going to do to me? 

The Boy Goes on Vacation

The exchange student group that we are affiliated with is hosting 200 of the exchange students on a trip to Niagra Falls.  He has been incredibly excited about this since he got here.  There are girls of course that he met before he came over that live in other states, but will all be converging on Buffalo, New York this weekend.  These girls have been much of the 5000+ texts a month the boy sends and receives.  BUT FIRST, we have to get him packed.  Enter, GNAT BOY.  I need for him to stick with me, read through the agenda for the weekend and figure out what clothes he needs.  This included checking the weather.  None of this occurs to a 17 year old.  I ask him what he is sleeping in, "Boxers!" he answers because there will be girls there, and they are Hugo Boss and he loves Hugo Boss. He thinks the girls will too. <heart palpatations>.   How about No. I am thinking today might be a good day to pick up actual pajama bottoms for him.

Stoking The Fire

We ended our night with a Phillies Win, A no hitter and a fire.  We have a fireplace in our home, and we use it often.  That was one of the first things the boy noticed when he arrived.  He talked about how his father always wanted one.  It was a chilly night, so we lit our first fire.  The boy just wanted to sit in front of it and do his homework.  We spun around the recliner, put him in front of the fire and he did his homework, in between catnaps.  He also got to learn what "stoking" a fire was and add his first log.  Such simple things I never think of were are a really big deal to the boy.  It truly was endearing.  It also wore him out enough to get him in bed by 10pm, so this morning we didn't have any episodes, except with the angry teachers in the lot.......

On a Side Note......

.....Yesterday when we were on our way to school he did say we had found a routine.  I look back at our day and there is still nothing routine about us.  Today we celebrated our 6 weeks of being a host family.  Its all going by far to fast.

A 28yr old, a 38yr old and a 17 year old Russian Boy walk into Nordstrom Rack......

Playing Dress-Up

It is about 11am on Sunday, the day after our annual Roktoberfest party.  It is a big party, one that included a fire and 38 sausages up in flames 30 mins before guests arrived.  Well, the party ensued and was a lot of fun.  The carnage the next day, never fun.  It should be a day of getting stuff cleaned up and football.

 

The boy says, can we go and get my hoodies today?  <fingernails down chalkboard>

It is starting to get colder and he has noticed this.  That is kind of awesome, that the 17 year old notices something.  He has the attention span of a gnat,   and many things pass the boy by, unless its texting, cars, Iphones, or video games, his ability to stay in one lane is negligible.  So, we just HAD to go shopping yesterday for hoodies.  So what do I do?  I take him with my girlfriend in from New York to Nordstrom Rack out in King of Prussia.  DUMB HOST MOTHER, DUMB HOST MOTHER.  I would like to note that we also needed to find a white dress shirt and tie for his suit...senior pictures this week. 

There are a few issues with taking a teenage boy to Nordstrom Rack.  1. The shoe department and two women.  2. The bag department and two women 3. A very handsome 17 year old that you can dress up in ANYTHING and he looks good.  I don't know how Ken translates in Russian, but I should find out.

 He went into the dressing room with a white shirt and came out to two women holding up 5 additional shirts, a velvet lavender tuxedo jacket and a sweater, Cheshire cat grins abound. 

He hates to shop, he has told me this many times, but I saw a crack in this statement as the day wore on.........

After about 30 mins of playing dress up with our Russian Ken, (we found a couple of good shirts too, and a tie and the dress shirt by the way!) we moved about the store. We walked past the shoe section and I actually have a magnetic body that gets sucked onto shoe racks, its quite embarrassing.  But I am trying to resist when I hear, "Oh God, we have lost Elise (code name for NY friend) she is somewhere in the shoes!"  He literally turns and starts to frantically search the rows of shoes to get her out without harm.  We start ogling the shoes, and the boy holds up a stiletto to his neck right around his jugular and says. "This would be bad if I did this and hit it here" meaning, slicing the jugular with a stiletto.  We dragged Elise out , paid for our goods, then headed up to the outlets to find a hoodie. 

Russian Ken and The Shoe Incident

On many occasions Ken has told me about his mother's great love of shoes.  How she will by one bag and three pairs of shoes.  I fail to see the issue with this behavior.  So, an interesting phenomenon happened when we hit the outlets.  He saw DC shoes in the window and I could not leave the outlets to get back to the Eagles game unless he tried them on.  It is 3:45 pm, the game is at 4pm and we are 40 mins away.  Fail.

The boy who hates shoes, asked the sales guy for 3 different pairs in his size and that he would buy them all if they fit.  WHUUUUTTTTTTTTT???? So I couldn't look in Nordstrom, and his mom can't buy 3 pairs of shoes without commentary, but this is OK.  Hmmmmmm.........

Long story short, he got 1 pair of shoes because they didn't have his size.....(pictured above)

We then flew home to watch a terrible football game, clean the house and of course watch Dexter. 

On a Side Note.....

I have to mention that I had Ken try on his suit with his new tie and shirt, and I was blown away at the transformation, he looked like a sharp, handsome young man....is this how mom's feel when their kids get dressed up to go to dances and prom.  I was gushing, what is happening to me?

The Wisdom of a 17 year old boy.....



Mel's Burger Bar

 It is 8:30 in the morning and I was in NYC last night for burgers.  Yes, you read correctly, burgers. AND...to wish my friend luck as she heads to climb Everest. (minor detail)   I headed out at 4:45 and was in the big apple by 6:30, eating burgers by 8, and back on the train by 11:30, in bed by 1:30.  All this was done by the coaxing of a very wise and wonderful 17 year old who pressed me relentlessly telling me I was going to New York. 

I had been out of step with a dear old friend for sometime now.  We like to call it a seperation, because we have been in each other's lives for so long, a divorce will never happen.  So this dear friend is leaving to climb Mt. Everest tonight at 8:30 pm.  A 23 day trek up a mountain.  Without the lodge, the fireplace and someone delivering cocktails, or even a yak delivering the drinks, this is not an adventure I would ever have the cajones to embarq on . 

this is a really tall mountain........20,305feet. WOW.


My friend and I literally got back in touch at noon yesterday.  I told him about it after school and he is saying to me." Why are you not going to New York?"  "You always tell me how easy it is to get there, why are you not going right now?"  "You know you should be going to New York, right now."  "She leaves in 31 hours, you must go now."  He was right.  It was 4:45 on a rainy Thursday I ran upstairs, got changed and ran out the door.  Now, for those of you that know the PA Turnpike, Route 1 and getting into Trenton at rush hour is a nightmare, let alone a rainy one.   I did not have an ounce of traffic.  I got there in record time, got my ticket and was ready for the adventure. By 6:30, I was stepping off the train and heading to the upper west.........

This morning as the boy was eating his pancakes he looked up and said "You really looked tired." I actually looked like I crawled out of the crypt this time.  Well, its the best exhaustion I have had in a very long time and it never would have happened had this boy not pushed me out the door.

He texted me while on the train to let me know he had cleaned his room and got some things done while I was on this adventure.....really, does this kid get any better? Spacibo Cybil.  I owe you one.